The Doer — Viewer Paradox

Why stepping into the other person’s shoes is very important

Ever wondered when you do something, how it appears to others.

What do they make of your actions, how do they view what you did?

Now think of someone else in a comparable situation behaving in a manner similar to you? Do you judge them? Is your perception of the action changing when you are the doer vis-à-vis the viewer?

Let me explain it with a real-life example. With schools shut down due to coronavirus, parents have an extra responsibility of monitoring children’s online classes, seeing to it that they are paying attention, listening to instructions from teachers and working alongside them. I too have been doing this for the last eight months. To keep my 5-year-old son studying in Class I, sitting at his table, following the screen for 3 or more hours of classes each day is not an easy task at all. Add assignments, practice work and preparing them for weekly tests, it becomes a challenge and a test of willpower. To top it all, children these days — raised in small, financially secure nuclear families, having a lot of exposure to the Internet — are much more prone to questioning and objecting compared to the previous generation. They keenly observe, do not shy from speaking their minds, get back right at you with smart quips. I sometimes feel having more than two children is far better than having only one child; that way they would be busy playing, arguing and fighting with each other instead of continuously bothering the parents. It is not easy anymore (as if it ever was) to raise an only child or to raise children.

In such a scenario, when my son gets a trifle more annoying than can be tolerated particularly while being asked to study or while doing assignments, it becomes difficult to control my anger. Sometimes, rarely that is, beyond the point where he starts getting on my nerves, I am forced to even raise my hand. Although I instantaneously regret it, I do have a ready explanation to justify it in my mind — “he deserves it, without appropriate punishment he would end up being a spoilt brat; I am preparing him for life; I am making him tough”…….

But what never ceases to amaze and disturb me is that when my wife or brother is sitting with my son trying to get him to be disciplined, to study or focus during online classes, and they lose their temper, I am infuriated. To me they have all of a sudden transformed into horrible people who do not have the sense or patience to deal with a little child. At this stage, the thoughts going on in my mind are — “that is not how you behave with a child; you will never be able to teach him this way; he is but a child and therefore stubborn, it is you who has to show maturity and explain things to him gently; what are you doing; how can you be so cruel as to shout at him; you are scaring him”……

When I am the doer, I am always right, even when I feel sorry inside — that happens mostly when he starts crying or innocently asks me to be happy before continuing with his work. But when I am the viewer in exactly the same context and situation, a response similar to mine (by someone else) appears illogical and harsh. I start judging the people displaying that behaviour and would love nothing more than to share a piece of my mind with them. Yet, I would never be happy if told that I too conduct myself inappropriately in a fashion similar to the ones I am criticizing. In fact, I simply cannot visualize that I could be so wrong.

When I do something, the action is necessary, justifiable and right. When someone else does the same thing, they are committing a mistake, they do not know it and they are so wrong.

Wait, What?

This is the Doer-Viewer Paradox.

Given this, it is essential that we learn to be kind, to think deeply, see people and situations from different perspectives and put ourselves in the other person’s shoes before passing judgement, forming opinions about and finding faults in them.

Let us take a hard critical look at ourselves observing our actions from the viewers angle. May be, just may be we could become better persons, slightly improved versions of ourselves.
Let us start the new year (2021) by giving a fair chance to everyone including our self.

Happy New Year